M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
