I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
