my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize