look no pants
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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