so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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