I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
