a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
