her vagine was all disorganized.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
His nipple licking is glorious
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