She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize