Please, let me fuck your mom
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize