He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
