are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
