You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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