Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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