so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
