Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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