I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize