you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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