JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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