did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
