sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
