i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
