I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
