I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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