I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
