just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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