Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize