What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
