you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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