me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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