Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
