i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
