took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
