I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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