Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
