Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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