Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
