John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
