the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
