If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
