i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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