paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
