i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
