Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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