The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
