You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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