I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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