i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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