grandma shit on top of the toilet
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
