hotel room ftw
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize