the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
