I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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