I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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