Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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