she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The uberlube is also flammable
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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