she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
