I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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