If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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