insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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