I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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