At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
