just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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