new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
