Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize