she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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